The complexity of meaning carried in our voices — including pitch, tone, volume, and emphasis, qualities known as vocalics — is extraordinary. There is a strong and consistent association between the ability to identify emotion in voices and social success, research shows.
I'm a childhood psychologist with more than 40 years of experience. My colleague Dr. Alexia Rothman and I created the vocalics test that is part of the Diagnostic Analysis of Nonverbal Accuracy, an examination that has been used in hundreds of studies to assess children's accuracy in reading vocal cues.
We found that the higher a child's score on the test, the better their social adjustment and the higher their academic achievement. Children who learn to successfully use vocalics have a significant advantage when it comes to communication and connection.
Here's how parents can teach their kids about vocalics, to help them effectively connect with their peers.
1. Avoid mixed messages
Learning this nonverbal skill is an exercise in pattern recognition. Therefore, try to avoid confusing your child by speaking to her in a happy voice while your words and facial expressions express sadness or anger, and vice versa.
2. Drop your own bad (vocalic) habits
At this age, it's a good idea to model for your child how to speak without too many interjections, such as "like" and "y'know," so she doesn't pick up that particular vocal tic.
3. Make recordings of your child's voice — and play them for her
Few of us enjoy hearing a recording of our voices. Nonetheless, this is the best way to become aware of how we sound to others. You can make this an enjoyable activity for your child by turning it into a game.
Ask her to say the same silly phrase, "Mummy is smelly, and Daddy is smellier, but [name of sibling] is the smelliest of all!" in her normal voice and record it using your phone. Then play it back for her and explain that she can change her voice in all kinds of ways.
Ask her to say the same phrase again in a louder and softer voice, at a faster and a slower pace, with a higher and a lower pitch, with more intensity and less intensity. Record the phrase each time and then listen to the results.
4. Ask your child to identify the emotional message behind your tone of voice
Say the same sentence in the previous example with different emotional tones of voice, as if you were happy, sad, fearful, angry, and so forth. See if your child can tell the difference.
5. Demonstrate how emphasis works for your child
Take a simple sentence such as "Mary is lending me her book" and say it out loud with your child, emphasizing a different word in the sentence each time.
Talk about how emphasis changes the meaning of what she is saying. By getting her to emulate your emphasis, you're teaching her about how to create synchrony with others.
6. Play a vocalics guessing game
Watch a TV clip together, but have your child turn away from the screen and tell you what the people are feeling simply by listening to their voices. Then play the clip back with the faces and the body language to see if she guessed correctly.
Some children may have an easier or harder time picking up emotions from vocalics depending on the age of the speaker. TV clips will give your child exposure to vocal qualities across a wide range of ages
7. Play 'hot and cold'
Hide something in the house or yard and just use your voice to communicate whether children are getting closer to it or farther away. This is a good game to play with a group of kids at a party or a playdate.
8. Avoid sarcasm when communicating with or around your child — but explain its function
Sarcasm is frequently used in adult interactions but should be used sparingly with and in front of younger children as it may be confusing for them. It could even undermine your relationship if you often say one thing and mean another.
At the same time, your child may encounter sarcasm around other adults and peers, so it's important to explain how sarcasm works. Demonstrate sarcastic versus non-sarcastic messages for her while also explaining that sarcasm should never be used to hurt others' feelings.
Ultimately, because there are no hard-and-fast rules around pitch, tone, and pace of speech, modeling behavior to our kids is one of the main ways these skills can be effectively taught. Doing these simple exercises with them now can set your children up for long-term success.
Dr. Stephen Nowicki is the Charles Howard Candler Professor of Psychology Emeritus at Emory University, where he has served as Director of Clinical Training, Head of the Psychological Center, and Head of the Counseling Center. Dr. Nowicki maintains an active clinical practice as a Diplomate in Psychology.
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*This is an adapted excerpt of "Raising a Socially Successful Child: Teaching Kids the Nonverbal Language They Need to Communicate, Connect, and Thrive" by Stephen Nowicki, published by Little, Brown Spark. Copyright © 2024 by Stephen Nowicki